OFF-DUTY MARTYR

As I embark on my first blog entry, I’ve had to ask Siri what a blog is, realizing I don’t actually know. She says it is informal and conversation like writing. So I summon my unknown audience and converse with you. What an interesting process - not a journal entry nor an article and not seeking perfection It’s casual, Siri says

The challenges of my last couple weeks have brought me to my knees - no actually to my bed with a heavy head - literally neck pain and weakness which got to the point of my only comfortable position being lying down. Not being able to look up or down - only straight ahead and preferably head supported. This is the culmination of weeks of overthinking, over analyzing, over worrying, and over giving - a somatic manifestation of suffering. It’s been a remarkable thing to witness as my center of gravity became higher and higher, my breathing shallower and shallower and my resting standing position one with shoulders hunched and ready for the other shoe to drop.

As I prepare for our upcoming Language of the Heart workshop on December 7, I recognize the perfection of my heavy head. In the Nonviolent Communication world, our emotions, our symptoms are like red lights on the dashboard and illuminate our unmet needs, help guide us to what we want to say yes to. So I’m saying yes to allowing myself deep rest, to lots of intentional belly breathing to help drop my center of gravity and allow my shoulders to drop away from my ears, yes to asking for help and saying yes to saying no when the yes is a habitual, self-sacrificing, unnecessary yes. As I told my acupuncturist, I am an off duty martyr.

(Written for the blog of Monterey Bay Zen Center)